Who's Your Mommy?

I am the mother of one daughter, but over the years I've added more children along the way....or should I say they adopted me as their "other "mom."  It seems that I am part of a new trend for millennials who declare that they have more than one person they think of as a mother figure.  

According to a recent survey conducted by Edible Arrangements®, although millennials consider their mother to be their primary mother figure (87%), they are more likely to have more "other mothers" than older generations.  Meanwhile,  44% of Americans ages 18 to 54 have three or more mother figures in their lives, and one in five (20%) say they have five or more. Of the "other mother" figures, friends account for  36%; while grandmothers and mothers-in-laws are tied at 22%.

What wasn't revealed by Edible Arrangements® in this survey are some of the reasons WHY someone would look to another person as a mother figure.  

Here's a perspective from Don Smithmeier:

It’s not about them being better or worse than our mothers, it’s the fact that they are different and that they are additive. The only thing greater than having a mom is having a Second Mom, too. What a gift.

Second Moms show us another version of parenting. Whether it’s the way they enforce the rules, the way they speak to their kids and spouse, or even the way they make their grilled cheese sandwiches, it’s all just different than our First Mom.

Second Moms give a second set of ears and eyes and arms. They teach us. They nurture us.

I, too, have a woman I look at as my second mother.  Although she already had six children of her own, she took me in and treated me as child #7.  She helped nurture me and even scolded me---all in the name of LOVE.

Happy Mother's Day Mama Jackson!

Who's your second mommy?

Given how many "other mothers" people identify and in honor of the important roles they play, Edible® is offering Buy 2 Get 1 Free box and arrangement deals for Mother's Day.

I'm Done with the New Year's Resolutions

Did you make any New Year's resolutions for 2019?  As long as I can remember, I created a list of habits and behaviors I vowed to change in the coming year.  I always started out strong but a month or two in, I was back to my old ways.

According to Business Insider, about 80 percent of people fail to stick to their New Year's resolutions for longer than six weeks. Initially, we get excited about what we can accomplish in the next 365 days but then life's challenges and distractions get in the way and we start taking detours and ultimately become discouraged until we get to the end of the next year, ready to set those resolutions all over again.  If I lost every pound I vowed to lose over the past 30 years, I'd be the most awesome looking 61-year-old woman you'd ever seen (next to Jada Pinkett Smith's mother).  Let's just say the money I've given to various fitness centers far exceeds my participation (although I have gotten slightly better lately).

This year I've decided to say NO to setting goals for the new year---goals that have a "time stamp" and ones I know I probably won't accomplish.  As a woman over 60 I have decided to take a slightly different approach.  Instead of making a bunch of resolutions, I am vowing to live each day to its fullest.  Here's my plan.  Maybe some of it can work for you:

1)  Live with PASSION daily:  When I open my eyes each morning, I will be thankful to my Creator for another day.  I will meditate/pray and read scripture to put me in the right frame of mind to get my day started.  Each day is another day to make a difference and I will always be excited and thankful for that.

2)  Be an Encourager:  I will look for opportunities to encourage someone else.  Sometimes all it takes is a kind word to a stranger.

3)  Be authentic:  Most people who know me will tell you that I always try to keep it real.  I want to make sure my actions and words always line up with my beliefs and values.  Besides, trying to be something you're not will eventually catch up with you.

4)   Stand for what is right:  People are always telling you to stand up for what you believe in but I don't agree with that.  Neo-Nazi's stand up for white supremacy because that's what they BELIEVE in but that doesn't make it right.  If you stand up for what is RIGHT, you may find yourself going against your "beliefs" but I'd rather stand on the right side of justice and civility than to be a fool for my beliefs.

5)  Say NO more often:  I used to be one of those people who had to have a ton of speaking engagements, be on every committee, and involved in every project because it felt good to have my name "attached" to it.  It made me feel important.  But what I discovered was my involvement and input would sometimes be mediocre.  I also wanted to appear to be busy so when people asked me what was going on in my life I could point out that I was involved in x-y-z but that only resulted in stress and burnout.  I am now going to be very selective in what I sign up for.  It is OK to say no if you can't fit it into your schedule.

6)  Love out loud:  We all know we should tell the people we love that we love them.  But what we know is not always reflected in what we do.  This not only applies to my family but to my friends as well.  I will never hang up a phone call with a friend without telling them I love them.

7)  Read more:  I actually started this in 2018 and will just continue in 2019.  I read As a Man Thinketh four times last year and each time I had a new "ah-ha" moment.  So far this year I am reading Becoming by Michelle Obama and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra.  I want to read books that inspire me, as well as make me laugh.

8) Re-connect to myself:  In 2018, I dealt with some serious health challenges.  It was a long road back but I know those challenges can re-surface if I don't take care of myself daily.  In addition to my daily meditation and prayer, I will continue to journal.  As a matter of fact I've been journaling off and on since Maya Angelou suggested I do it doing an interview I had with her back in 1981.  Journaling allows me to get in touch with my real emotions.  I believe the more you write, the more what matters to you most will evolve.  It's one of the best ways to reconnect with your soul.

So there you have it.  That's my plan as I continue though my journey called life.  Do you have a plan?

There's No Comeback Without a Setback

If you've ever had a setback in your life, you will identify with this post.

My definition of a "setback" is an event or action that keeps you from moving forward;  it stops you dead in your tracks and, sometimes, makes you feel like giving up.  Many of us have been on the setback trail.

I've had plenty of setbacks throughout my life--both personal and professional.  I can go all the way back to my high school days and remember how I tried out for the cheerleading squad but didn't make it (the first time around).  My excuse was "I wasn't the right shade of black."  After I got over being "in my feelings" I came back to reality and worked hard over the next year until it was time to tryout again and, yes, I made it!

I remember the first time I tried to land a job as a TV reporter at the ABC Affiliate WCTI in NC and was told point blank by a former News Director that I didn't have what it took to be a member of his Eye-Witness News Team.  I was devastated.  My ego was crushed because I just knew I was going to be successful in a career I'd wanted my entire life.  (Yes, I had a TERRIBLE audition tape but was convinced my personality would at least get me in the door).  That experience taught me a lot about perseverance and faith.  It also taught me about networking and connecting with people for future reference because back in the mid 1980's, networking as we know it today was unheard of.  It was through that "connection" that a door opened and I walked in BOLDLY as the newest edition to the WITN-TV news team.

Raising a child as a single parent, after divorce, was also a challenge especially when I thought I had married the man of my dreams.  But some dreams can become nightmares as I learned and it became an emotional and draining setback.

But I have to tell you, the BIGGEST setback I have experienced in my life has been related to my health.  In 1999, I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure (after being misdiagnosed as having bronchitis).  It took a good two to three years and all kinds of medication to get my heart to function normally again.  I was forced to go out on sick leave for months.  But God's Grace carried me through that setback to prepare me for my next journey.

Less than six months ago, I suffered a another major setback with my congestive heart failure diagnosis.  I started feeling bad---like I was catching a cold. It got progressively worse.  I could barely walk any distance without gasping for air.  I couldn't sleep without feeling like I was choking to death.  I tried to exercise but it wasn't helping. I finally made a doctor's appointment.  Because of my history, the cardiologist felt an echocardiogram was necessary.  It revealed the following:

I WOULD ESTIMATE THE LEFT VENTRICULAR EJECTION FRACTION NO GREATER THAN 25%. RIGHT VENTRICULAR SYSTOLIC PRESSURES ESTIMATED IN THE 40 MMHG RANGE.  SINCE PRIOR ECHOCARDIOGRAM LEFT VENTRICULAR EJECTION FRACTION HAS DECREASED AND THE LEFT

VENTRICLE HAS DILATED

Now for those of you who may not understand what this means, let me explain.  A normal "Ejection Fraction" operates at 50 percent or better.  Mine was at 25 percent---having DROPPED from 40 percent that last time I had the test in 2015.  My doctor was talking about open heart surgery but I was adamant about going under the knife.  I asked her to "trust my process"; to give me an opportunity to get my health together.  In hindsight, I'm not sure why I said that but she went for it and told me we would revisit the subject if I showed no or little signs of improvement by my next visit.

I had three months to get it together. I took my medication like I was supposed to and didn't skip dosages like I had been doing in the past.  I worked out nearly everyday.  I kid you not, it was extremely hard at first.  Sometimes I would walk around the Duke Wall in tears because of how difficult it was to take more than a few steps at a time but I was determined to overcome this setback because I honestly believed God had a purpose for my next journey.

I'm happy to say today that after my last visit in September, surgery was taken off the table---at least for now anyway.  I ended up getting a new job that I absolutely LOVE and am thankful every single day for God's Grace.

Here's what I know:  His Word says even though our lives may be filled with trials and tribulations, it's just a setback to prepare us for our next comeback.

To God be the Glory!

God Takes on Millennials and Social Media in New TV Show

I finally got to see the much anticipated new CBS-TV show, God Friended Me starring Brandon Michael Hall.  This is the same young man who, last season, was the star of a short-lived sitcom on ABC called The Mayor.  

This show kind of reminds me of the Touched by an Angel series (1994-2003) that was popular among members of my baby boomer generation, as well as my parents generation.

In God Friended Me, Hall plays a character named Miles Finer, who is an outspoken atheist living in New York City.  He declares himself to be the Millennial Prophet and uses his radio podcast as a platform to challenge God's existence.  He is constantly reminding his audience there is no God and that's OK.  Then all of a sudden he starts receiving friend requests on Facebook from someone identifying themselves as “God.” 

Miles initially deletes the requests thinking someone is playing a joke on him or as the young folks like to say, "he is being catfished."  But “God” is persistent, and Miles finally accepts his friend request. "God" then starts suggesting friends to Miles on Facebook—first someone named “John Dove”, who happens to coincidentally rush by him on the street at that moment and whose life he ends up saving.  Then there's “Cara Bloom” a budding young journalist who needs a "sensational story" to keep her job.  

As the series begins to evolve, you learn that Miles is estranged from his father who just happens to be a preacher.  With the help of a friend, who just happens to know how to hack into computers, Miles is able to track down an IP address to determine the location of "God" and they found him in New Jersey!  Or maybe they didn't.....because the identity of the person connected to the IP address has yet to be revealed. Is this an elaborate hoax, or is God real and working through Facebook to challenge Miles’s unbelief?

God Friended Me is just the kind of show Millennials should watch. I can just imagine how many of them would view such a request, especially since a study by the Pew Research Center indicates 63 percent of men and 37 percent of women (between the ages of 18-29) say they don't believe in God.  Another Pew survey indicated:   

• Belief in the God of the Bible declines with age.
• Those under age 50 viewed God as less powerful and less involved in earthly affairs than do older Americans.
• Among college graduates, only 45 percent believe in the God of the Bible.

Perhaps God Friended Me will change some more Millennial minds and hearts this season.  

A new heart will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh--Ezekiel 36-26.

Run Your Race with Endurance

This morning I decided to go to the Duke Wall for my 1.6 mile walk before my doctor's appointment later today.  I hadn't been to the Wall or to the gym in over a week so I wasn't quite sure how much walking I'd do before I started gasping for air.  Since I am a heart failure patient, I know what the difficulty in breathing feels like----especially during exercise.

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!  I experienced very little shortness of breath and surprised myself at how well I was walking.  But about five minutes into the walk it started pouring down raining.  At that point, I had to make a decision:  "Do I turn around and go back to my vehicle to go home (or to the gym) or do I just keep it moving?"  I decided to keep walking.  After all, it was only rain.  It wasn't like I was walking in a hurricane!

That brings me to this point:  If you start something, you should always do your best to finish it.  You'll either be successful at the end or (if you fail) you'll learn some valuable lessons to help you start again (and perhaps in a different direction).  If you stop in the middle of what you're doing and  turn around to go back in the same direction you just came from, you'll never know what could've been.  Your journey will be incomplete.

Today I was determined not to turn around and go back.  Had I stopped I would've never experienced that feeling of accomplishment---knowing I could make it around that wall without stopping or breathing profusely.  Furthermore, I would've never known the joy of feeling the rain on my face and being in tune with God.

Hebrews 12:1-3 New King James Version (NKJV)

The Race of Faith

12 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the [a]author and [b]finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Black is STILL Beautiful 50 Years Later

Recently my pre-teen grandson (Jarod) asked me if I thought he was "too black."  Of course, this inquiring mind wanted to know what would make him ask me such a question  since we weren't having any real conversation.  But as I dug a little deeper, I learned that a young lady at his summer camp told him she thought he was too black to talk to her.  I then asked, "Was she light-skinned?"  His response, "Yes."

So here were are in the 21st century STILL dealing with that age old issue of light skin versus dark skin.  I dealt with that issue as a child more than 50 years ago and now, it appears, my grandson has been confronted with it by a girl who has been convinced that her light skin makes her better and she refuses to associate with anyone as dark as my grandson.  In that moment, I knew exactly what that pain of rejection felt like but in an effort to empower him to think positively about himself at ALL times I told him the girl probably wasn't very smart and he should always be focused on wanting to deal with SMART over light skinned and pretty.  Besides, that same girl may try to seek him out once he makes it to the NFL (they always do).

Those of us who are over 60 remember the "paper bag test" where you gained access to social events, job opportunities, schools, fraternities and sororities based on your skin complexion.

Colorism: "Prejudicial or preferential treatment of same-raced people based solely on their skin color.” That's how author and activist Alice Walker described it in her 1983 book, In Search of Our Mother's Gardens.   

According to Temple University Associate Professor Lori Tharps, "...skin color will continue to serve as the most obvious criterion in determining how a person will be evaluated and judged.  In this country, because of deeply entrenched racism we already know that dark skin is demonized and light skin wins the prize."

Among African Americans, skin tone is an important physical characteristic that creates divisions in the community and affects quality of life. Like gender, a person’s skin tone is a visible physical trait that others immediately notice during social interactions and use to form judgments (Maddox & Gray, 2002). Throughout American history, variations in skin tone have contributed to socioeconomic status (SES) differences among African Americans (Herring, Keith, & Horton, 2004; Keith & Herring, 1991). Furthermore, African Americans use skin tone variations to distinguish themselves from each other, reflecting social status hierarchies.

Sadly the young lady who chose to display a negative attitude towards my grandson because of his dark skin tone will have to deal with her own demons at some point in life.  Being light skinned may get you a pass but, as Michael Eric Dyson puts it, "one needs to do more than be light-skinned to reap the rewards of light privilege in a culture that remains profoundly color-struck." 

In the meantime, we are continuing to teach Jarod to love and appreciate his blackness because one day the right person will come along and appreciate him for who he is.

SAY IT LOUD, WE'RE BLACK AND WE'RE PROUD! 

You Can't Look Pretty and Exercise

While I was out this morning, I ran into a few women, around my age, who were rather well dressed.  One had on a beautiful necklace with matching earrings; another had The Tammy Faye Baker look (face caked with make-up) and another had on a nice pantsuit.  I spoke to each one as I passed them individually but then I thought to myself, "Where the hell do they think they are?!"  WE'RE EXERCISING, for God's sake!

Yes, while I was out doing my morning walk/run around the Duke Wall (1.6 miles in distance), I noticed these other "mature" women out doing, what I thought, was the same thing.  But based on the way they were dressed, perhaps they were just taking a morning stroll.  Now that would make total sense if we were in a park setting----but the Duke Wall is a gravel, rugged, sandy track and when the maintenance crew is in the area working you're sure to get some of that dirt blown on your face and body.

I do know there are older women who won't dare step out in public without a certain "look" or image but if you're trying to exercise, you can't look pretty.  Real exercise is hard work.  If you're doing it to burn calories you will sweat and makeup sweat is not a good look.  And what's the point of wearing nice jewelry? It only exposes to you to possibly becoming the victim of a crime by someone with questionable motives for being at the Wall. 

So listen up my fellow baby boomer women....if you are going to exercise, be mindful of your appearance.  The website ZestNow.com offers these suggestions:

Bras –  Strong support with comfort and flexibility is much better with the especially designed styles. They have wider, more comfortable straps, smooth seams, and durable, breathable fabrics. Danskin’s were originally developed for dancers and they have a long history of durability and comfort.  PLEASE WEAR ONE!  No one is interested in seeing sagging, floppy breasts.

Bottoms – Pants should be designed for ease of movement. You can choose from styles which are loose-fitting for comfort or form-fitting styles for support.  

Tops – Several different tops are important to have. They’re much nicer to wear than old worn out t-shirts. It’s good to have a wardrobe of tops for different temperatures, activities and locations. Choose a color you love and you’ll feel better wearing it.

Shoes – The right shoes become more important over 50.  I think Merrill shoes are perfect for women’s feet after 50. They’re lightweight, yet strong with good support. They have a roomy toe box with extra comfort for bunions, corns or any foot problems. They also have mesh inserts to breathe so feet don’t get too hot. A very wide choice of colors are available. 

And when you're finished working out, make sure you go home and shower instead of running errands. While it may be OK to make the excuse that you've just come from working out, someone who recognizes you in public may never forget your sweaty look or smell.  (I had to learn that lesson the hard way).