Have You Made Your Stop Doing List?

Not long after I wrote the previous post, (New Year Old Ways), a fellow blogger commented that she wasn't so much into making a New Year's Resolutions List. She, instead, needed to create a Stop Doing List. Laura believes we can benefit greatly "when we choose to cut things from our lives that no longer serve us."

Yes this makes total sense so here's my STOP DOING LIST for 2011:

1) STOP believing the hype people try to push on me when it comes to their business.

2) STOP associating with people who try to build themselves up by tearing me down.

3) STOP self-doubting my gifts and expertise.

4) STOP believing that everyone has my best interests at heart--because the truth is, some of them don't and will add gasoline to a fire at every opportunity.

5) STOP focusing from the outside-in. The Word says "Let your light shine before men" and that can only come from the inside-out.

6) STOP taking on more projects than I can reasonably handle at one time.

7) STOP being envious and jealous. OK---I know I'm not alone on this one but perhaps I'm the only one who will admit it.

8) STOP spending so much time on the computer. Now, that's a true challenge.

9) STOP ignoring my doctor's orders--that's especially important if I want to live a long time.

10) STOP pushing my daughter to finish college in four years. What's important is that she finishes.

11) STOP pushing my grandson to be smarter than he is. It's one thing to teach him to develop learning skills--but another to give him a nervous breakdown if he can't read, write, spell and do math at the age of four.

12)STOP and exhale when necessary.

What do you need to stop doing in 2011?

New Year Old Ways

For the first time in several years, I decided not to create a list of New Year's Resolutions. If I did, I would be carrying over many of the things I had on last year's list.

According to Psychology Professor Chris McManus from University College in London in, I am a part of the majority when it comes to people who create "to do" lists but fail to keep them.

Here is a brief summary of what the British Professor says are some of the reasons we fail to follow through on our resolutions:

1 - Sometimes we don’t really want to change.
Think about the goals you set as each New Year approaches. Perhaps you want to walk more, Smoke less, or eat more veggies. Your reasons for doing so may be good, but deep inside you may not really want to make that change at all. The gap between what you hope to accomplish and what you actually wish to do can prevent you from reaching your goal.

2 - Your resolution may be a fantasy.
Many of us have dreams of how our lives can be. Your resolution may only be a wish that you hope to do one day. It is nice to say that you are in favor of changing a certain behavior, but you haven’t made any real commitment to making that change.

3 - You lack a time frame.
It' easy to put off a commitment if you haven’t set a specific time goal. If you really want to keep this year’s resolution, be sure to think about how you plan to fit it into your current schedule. Set a real goal with a starting and end time.

The most interesting thing about all of this is that regardless of how many times we have failed, most of us will make new resolutions next year ad be optimistic--even if just for a little while.

How many New Year's Resolutions have you made good on in your life?

A Grandparent's Truth About Santa Claus

Recently, my four-year-old grandson asked me if Santa Claus was going to bring him some presents this year. Without hesitation, I told him no.

Unlike me when I discovered there was no Santa Claus (at age 7), my grandson did not break into tears. Instead, he was inquisitive and wanted to know why so I told him point blank: the truth is–there is NO Santa Claus. I went on to explain that his mom, grandparents, nana and papa and other family members are the ones who buy him gifts.

I don’t want my grandson to get it in his head that if he is good all year, some jolly old white man will come and bring him presents. It just doesn’t seem right.

Now I know someone reading this is going to think I'm being racist but I would argue the whole idea of having a white santa claus is racist. It's something that's been embedded in our minds for years with movies, TV specials and in practically every mall in America. Have you ever seen a black santa claus? What would be his commercial appeal and would parents be reluctant to have their precious children sit on his lap?

As a grandparent who has tremendous influence in how my grandson is being raised, I want him to understand the TRUE meaning of the season. It's Jesus' birthday. The gifts he receives are blessings.

Anything beyond that would be a LIE and I'm also trying to teach my grandson about honesty.

Do you think I'm wrong?

Being Prepared for the Unexpected Blessings

I just returned from a speaking engagement in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I was invited to speak about how charter schools can ulitize the media to gain more exposure. I knew that my newly released book, Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie and card game, Don't Ask, had nothing to do with the conference but I decided to pack some--just in case. (I was told in advance that since my book had nothing to do with the conference that I would not be able to sell it in the back of the room).

After dinner Wednesday evening, I suggested the people at my table play the card game for fun. To make a long story short, there was so much laughing and discussion going on, several members of the group wanted to continue to play back at the hotel--which we did until well after midnight (knowing we had to get up and be ready at 7:30am).

The next morning word quickly spread about my card game and I was approached by the head of the Admissions Dept. who wanted to know if I would consider creating a card game for their middle school students, which is roughly 12,000 students. It wasn't what I expected her to say. I told her I would certainly consider it and get back to her.

Needless to say, I am already working on the project.

Here's what I learned from that experience:

1) If you have more than one talent, don't be afraid to share it or use it. I went to the conference as a Media Expert. No one knew I was an author---let alone the fact that I had created a card game.

2) Make the most of every opportunity. NHA may not invite me back next year to talk about media but if I play my cards right (pun intended), I will have gained far greater exposure with this new card game.

3) I am truly learning how to be the gorilla while marketing with ease. (Thanks to Olalah Njenga and Pat Howlett).

The Differences Between Sarah Palin's Daughter and Mine

I originally wrote much of this post in 2008, but it bears repeating with an UPDATE in light of Bristol's new found so-called celebrity status.

Let me start off by saying the one thing Bristol and my daughter share in common is the fact that they became teenage mothers.

Now the differences:

Family

Bristol comes from a white privileged family, where her mother had a high profile as Governor of Alaska and then became the Republican nominee for Vice-President of the United States. She has three sisters and one brother. Her father is in the home.

Janie comes from a middle class black family where her dad was absent more than he was around. She is an only child. Her mother is a journalist, who left Corporate America because her boss never respected her role as a working mom. (long, unappreciated hours and no opportunity for advancement)

Boyfriend

Bristol’s boyfriend is an 18 year old named Levi Johnson who described himself as an F----- redneck on his MySpace page before it was taken down. He also indicated he did not want children.

Janie’s boyfriend had a bright promising future as an actor or chef before he was murdered the day after Christmas for defending his little sister who was being harassed by a gang banger on a city bus.

Mother's Reaction to Pregnancy

Bristol has received very public support from her mother, who issued a statement saying her daughter was going to keep the baby and marry the baby’s daddy. The wedding date has yet to be announced. Sarah Palin is a staunch supporter of abstinence. How much she told her daughter about sex and having unprotected sex is unknown.

Janie hid her pregnancy for fear of how I would react and, rightfully, so. I was livid! Obviously, all those times I told her to keep her dress down and drawers up fell on deaf ears. I wanted my daughter to weigh all of her options because she had plans to go to college and we all know raising a child can seriously alter your plans.

Future

Bristol’s future remains unclear, although her mother has assured the public the family will stand by Bristol and offer their undying support. One thing we know for sure is she will be a mother in a few months and married to her boyfriend. THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

Janie, meanwhile, is raising her son alone with the love and support of family members on both sides. She is also out to prove the naysayers wrong by pursuing her college education. She is currently enrolled at North Carolina A&T, while grandma takes on the role of Ma.

UPDATE: While Bristol is dancing with the stars and getting strong support from the Tea Party, my daughter is working on her junior year in college and getting strong support from her mother and step father. Bristol is using her mother's new found fame to carve out a piece for herself.

My daughter, meanwhile, has repeatedly said she wants to make her own way in the world and not hang onto my coattails. I respect that but, of course, I will do everything in my power to assist her because she's not dancing her way BLINDLY through life.

Do You Hear What Your Child Hears?

Recently my husband and I were having a disagreement that escalated into a rather loud discussion. Our grandson, who was in the other room, came running in and told us to stop fighting. We wanted to assure him we weren't fighting--we were just talking loud.

At that moment, I started thinking about this four-year-old's interpretation of what he heard. To him, it sounded like we were fighting even though there was no physical violence involved. He equated fighting with talking loud.

I think sometimes we, as adults, tend to forget that our children are within earshot of we are saying. Or we think the children are too young to understand the content of the argument while neglecting to realize that it's the negative tone of the conversation that kids pick up on. Kids do as we do and not as we say, though we often wish the opposite was true. If they see us resolving disputes with petty arguing, they are going to learn the same tactic.

Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Condrell says when adults are constantly arguing at home, children may respond in the following ways. They may:

•take their anger out on other adults, such as teachers, and have behavior problems in school
•lose respect for their parents’ authority and stop listening to them
•become depressed with thoughts of running away or of suicide
•mistreat their brothers and sisters in ways that are nasty and cruel

We want our grandson to grow up in a happy and healthy environment so we have vowed not to raise our voices in front of him.

Said the little child to his (grand)parents...do you hear what I hear?

Rewarding Parents for Bad Behavior

I've got a strong suspicion that the court system in Jackson, Mississippi is going to be rewarding some bad parents for their bad children. Three Murrah High School boys' basketball players have sued their coach and the school system over some spankings they say they endured during basketball practice.

The coach was actually caught on camera whipping one of the students. One parent said he sat in on a couple of basketball practices and watched as some of the students were getting hit---but because it wasn't his child--he didn't say anything at the time I guess.

In a written statement Coach Marlon Dorsey said,

I took it upon myself to save these young men from the destruction of self and what society has accepted and become silent to the issues our students are facing on a daily basis. I am deeply remorseful of my actions to help our students.

No doubt this coach probably saw these kids as incorrigible youth--the kind of students who will either not graduate, be unemployed, end up in a jail cell or six feet under. He just wanted to whip them into shape.

While I don't believe it's the coach's responsibility to take it upon himself to knock some sense into his students, I do understand his frustration. Some children are totally out of control. You can blame it on ADD, ADHD or whatever--but they seem to have no respect for education or the authority behind it.

That's where the parents come in. It is THEIR responsibility to crack the whip and they should've done that LONG AGO. That's probably why the situation at Murrah High School escalated to this point.

Some parents have totally neglected their responsibilities as parents. They're either more interested in becoming their child's friend or just not interested at all.

These bad parents and their children in Jackson will probably be rewarded a financial compensation---but when it's all said and done, they probably won't have learned a thing.